Jokes and one liners from the back row

whitbey · 2019-07-03 4:00 p.m.

Call it the Back Row.

One liners, jokes and funny perspectives.

No politics.

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune.......Shoot one.

Ask a Conductor if they could follow the band better.

When a Conductor had a meltdown and threw his music on the floor........I asked him to tell us how he really felt.

And not limited to just music as our lives do other things too.

I am a realtor....

That roof should be good for at least another 2 weeks.

Or a comment about someone....

She is the nicest girl that ever walked the streets.

A Band promo

We suck, we blow, we bang. How many tickets do you want?

I think this would be great to share with other trombonist because I am happier than a pink unicorn on a carousel.

BarryVarie · by **BarryVarie** » 2019-07-04 7:08 p.m.

Sounds like a good idea to me, either in the b/s/t section or a new one.

Skippy, you got that from PUX.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-07-26 11:14 p.m.

When I was young I told my Grandma that when I grow up I wanted to play trombone. She told me I couldn’t do both.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

A man accidentally ate 6 toy plastic horses.

The doctor describes his condition as stable.

ArbanRubank · by **ArbanRubank** » 2019-07-27 6:56 a.m.

I told my wife that when I retired, I wanted to learn how to play the trombone in the worst way. She recently told me, "Mission accomplished".

JohnL · by **JohnL** » 2019-07-27 10:48 a.m.

How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We'll never know; no one is ever watching.

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2019-07-27 4:53 p.m.

How does a lead trumpet player change a light bulb? He reaches up, grabs the bulb, and whole world revolves around him.

Why are bagpipers walking when they are playing? They are trying to get away from the noise too.

Whey are bassoons better than oboes? They burn longer.

If you see a drummer in a suit, what is the most likely next words out his mouth? "Not guilty, your honor!"

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homeless.

How can you tell who on the elementary school playground is the trombone player? The kid who can't swing or figure out the slide either.

How can you tell if the bandstand is level? The drool is coming out of both corners of the bass player's mouth.

Why don't you want a vocalist to open up the practice area for the band? They are always coming in late, and have trouble finding the key.

If two trombone players are in the back of a car, who is driving? The arresting officer.

BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.

D-MINOR: A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).

DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.

keybone · by **keybone** » 2019-07-27 6:28 p.m.

A trombone player is driving down the road.

A worm is driving in the opposite direction towards the trombone player.

What is the significance?

The worm is on it’s way to a gig.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-07-27 8:53 p.m.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

cmcslide · by **cmcslide** » 2019-07-30 9:15 p.m.

He is committed to his music. He loads his $5,000 instrument into his $500 car to go to play a $50 gig...

RoscoTrombone · by **RoscoTrombone** » 2019-07-31 7:42 a.m.

What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a flautist? A seamstress tucks up frills....

afugate · by **afugate** » 2019-07-31 8:32 a.m.

[quote="RoscoTrombone"]What's the difference between a bull and orchestra? On a bull the horns are at the front and the a**hole at the back.
[/quote]

My daughter quipped: "They don't allow orchestras in china shops..." :lol:

--Andy in OKC

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-08-04 5:53 p.m.

The last time I saw that Conductor he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

SGlong · by **SGlong** » 2019-08-19 8:53 p.m.

How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking speeds up and slows down and they never know when to come in.

SGlong · by **SGlong** » 2019-08-19 8:54 p.m.

Did you hear about the bassist that locked his keys in the car?

It took two hours to get the drummer out.

SGlong · by **SGlong** » 2019-08-22 1:25 p.m.

Why don't you tell a joke to the bassist and drummer during intermission?

Half way through the next set, they'll start laughing.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-08-23 7:28 p.m.

No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationary.

BGuttman · by **BGuttman** » 2019-08-23 9:00 p.m.

Want to slow down a banjo player? Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Need to slow him more? Put notes on the sheet.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-04 2:37 p.m.

She used to be a pilot in a broom factory.

BGuttman · by **BGuttman** » 2019-09-04 3:37 p.m.

So moved.

Doubler · by **Doubler** » 2019-09-04 6:23 p.m.

Do trombonists prefer sliders to regular hamburgers?

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-05 1:00 p.m.

Thanks!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-05 1:09 p.m.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-11 1:02 p.m.

I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know the best way to quit.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-18 5:51 p.m.

A drummer recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..

I don’t know what there laced them with, but he’s been tripping all day.

Doubler · by **Doubler** » 2019-09-23 11:36 p.m.

<LINK_TEXT text="https://www.themouthpiece.com/threads/d ... nts.55134/">https://www.themouthpiece.com/threads/do-not-awaken-the-sleeping-giants.55134/</LINK_TEXT>

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-26 4:50 p.m.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-09-27 1:41 p.m.

He is an agent of Satan, his duties are largely ceremonial.

Mikebmiller · by **Mikebmiller** » 2019-10-01 1:28 p.m.

You have the right to be silent. Please use it!

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-05 10:30 a.m.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-05 12:16 p.m.

The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-05 12:21 p.m.

Many years ago when TV’s were made in the USA they included a brightness adjustment. This knob secretly sent a message to Hollywood that their shows had gone into a reverse evolution from the intellect of Larry, Curly, and Moe. Indignant and discussed the Hollywood Elite funded the Japanese electronics industry to take over the US market and replace all of the TV’s with ones that would be more accepting of dreadful programming.

Gary · by **Gary** » 2019-10-05 1:38 p.m.

"Take it up an octave and leave it out."

AndrewMeronek · by **AndrewMeronek** » 2019-10-05 1:39 p.m.

How about a spoonerism?

My hobbit friend Took tried to join a mute order of hobbit trombonist monks but was turned away because he was a cruning Took.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-11 4:18 p.m.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrel it could be done!

A duck was about to cross the road and chicken looked at him and said, “Don’t do it man, you will never hear the end of it.”

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2019-10-12 10:54 a.m.

Why did the chicken cross the road to the construction site? She wanted to see them lay a sidewalk.

The conductor asked me why I cracked so many notes tonight. I said I was playing French horn cues.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Schlitz · 2019-10-13 7:16 a.m.

Schlitz · 2019-10-13 7:17 a.m.

Gary · by **Gary** » 2019-10-13 11:29 a.m.

[quote="Kingfan"]The conductor asked me why I cracked so many notes tonight. I said I was playing French horn cues.[/quote]
That's like the old joke:

"How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?"

"Stuff a roll of socks in the bell and miss a lot of notes."

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-21 7:41 a.m.

He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts: for support, not illumination.

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2019-10-21 3:59 p.m.

Dogs can't talk. If your dog says he can talk, he's lying.

Mikebmiller · by **Mikebmiller** » 2019-10-21 4:43 p.m.

Nothing beats Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Too many to list here, but I saw one the other day -

I was in a bar and they asked me to leave. I asked why. He said they wanted to start Happy Hour.

My wife cut me down to twice a week. I was lucky - I know 3 guys she cut out entirely.

I saw him live once way back in '82. Laughed my butt off.

Doubler · by **Doubler** » 2019-10-21 5:42 p.m.

[quote="Mikebmiller"]Nothing beats Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Too many to list here, but I saw one the other day -

I was in a bar and they asked me to leave. I asked why. He said they wanted to start Happy Hour.

My wife cut me down to twice a week. I was lucky - I know 3 guys she cut out entirely.

I saw him live once way back in '82. Laughed my butt off.[/quote]

I saw him once in the '90's. I never laughed as much in my life! My cheeks and abs were sore after his performance.

SirJohn · by **SirJohn** » 2019-10-24 11:30 a.m.

What do you call a timpani that goes through a shredder?

Kettle chips.

SirJohn · by **SirJohn** » 2019-10-24 11:31 a.m.

What do you call a pair of bananas trying to play a tuba?

Tuba-nanas (two bananas)

Tetraphosphate · by **Tetraphosphate** » 2019-10-31 4:25 a.m.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-10-31 1:55 p.m.

As accurate as the University of Berkley skeet shooting club.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-11-12 8:04 a.m.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

I'm so happy I could just fart glitter!!!

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-11-29 11:50 a.m.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box

Doubler · by **Doubler** » 2019-11-30 10:15 p.m.

Here's a new slide technique: <YOUTUBE id="1dZ8zy_hmHo">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dZ8zy_hmHo</YOUTUBE>

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-12-08 1:43 p.m.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2019-12-22 10:12 a.m.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

cmcslide · by **cmcslide** » 2019-12-22 10:41 a.m.

I went to the Canary Islands once... didn't see a single canary anywhere. Same thing in the Virgin Islands, though, no canaries there either!

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-01-08 3:18 p.m.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

JeffDeault · by **JeffDeault** » 2020-01-12 9:05 p.m.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a vacuum cleaner?

Vibrato.

afugate · by **afugate** » 2020-01-13 7:55 a.m.

[quote="JeffDeault"]What's the difference between a bassoon and a vacuum cleaner?

Vibrato.[/quote]

Your vacuum cleaner can do vibrato? Cool! :good: :lol:

--Andy in OKC

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-02-12 8:48 a.m.

When life gives you lemons...

kill them

crush them

drink their souls

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-02-21 11:58 p.m.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech

Doubler · by **Doubler** » 2020-02-22 12:26 a.m.

<YOUTUBE id="-75vUtwbgAI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-75vUtwbgAI</YOUTUBE>

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-02-27 11:11 p.m.

That’s harder than slamming a revolving door.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-02-29 3:44 p.m.

Her only flair is in her nostrils.

.

AndrewMeronek · by **AndrewMeronek** » 2020-02-29 5:27 p.m.

[quote="Doubler"]<YOUTUBE id="-75vUtwbgAI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-75vUtwbgAI</YOUTUBE>[/quote]

Dammit, this is hilarious!

"I don't play high and loud and I get chicks all the time. Chicks like trombone players. They think the way we move our slides is sexy. The only thing sexy about a trombone player is the trumpet player who sits behind him."

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-03-30 7:58 a.m.

When our phones auto correct to "duck" it's still fowl language.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-04-23 4:49 p.m.

Never teach a wolf to meditate because it will become an "aware" wolf.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-04-23 4:50 p.m.

You had to stand in line to hate him.

dbwhitaker · by **dbwhitaker** » 2020-04-24 6:07 p.m.

Social distancing via trombone. (I just stumbled across this. I don't know this guy.)

<TWITTER id="1253467843380666368"><LINK_TEXT text="https://twitter.com/GaryTyrrell/status/ ... 3380666368">https://twitter.com/GaryTyrrell/status/1253467843380666368</LINK_TEXT></TWITTER>

Mikebmiller · by **Mikebmiller** » 2020-05-01 11:47 p.m.

[quote="AndrewMeronek"]<QUOTE author="Doubler" post_id="105317" time="1582349162" user_id="4261">
<YOUTUBE id="-75vUtwbgAI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-75vUtwbgAI</YOUTUBE>[/quote]

Dammit, this is hilarious!

"I don't play high and loud and I get chicks all the time. Chicks like trombone players. They think the way we move our slides is sexy. The only thing sexy about a trombone player is the trumpet player who sits behind him."
</QUOTE>

Why are they having this argument in a parking deck?

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-05-18 5:05 p.m.

I'm so happy I could just fart glitter!!!

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-05-18 5:06 p.m.

"This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read."

samopn · by **samopn** » 2020-05-19 11:10 a.m.

Whenever I practice my trombone passers like it so much they throw bricks through the windows so they can hear me better.

not my joke, this was from a British comedian called Les Dawson who famously did a skit of (very skilfully) playing the piano just badly enough so it was painful.

S

Jimprindle · by **Jimprindle** » 2020-05-19 9:22 p.m.

A trombone player and a tuba player passed by a bar....

Don't laugh! It could happen.

JohnL · by **JohnL** » 2020-05-20 8:58 a.m.

[quote="Jimprindle"]A trombone player and a tuba player passed by a bar....

Don't laugh! It could happen.[/quote]
Yup, the bar could be closed.

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-05-21 2:52 p.m.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, it is how the band plays.

RoscoTrombone · by **RoscoTrombone** » 2020-05-22 3:41 p.m.

On having a conversation with a friend of mine who is a class music teacher a few years ago about some kids' inability to play basic things in time his line was "he has as much rhythm as a Catholic rabbit".

Left me in stitches that did <EMOJI seq="1f602" tseq="1f602">😂</EMOJI>

It's also very easy line to throw at drummers <EMOJI seq="1f602" tseq="1f602">😂</EMOJI>

samopn · by **samopn** » 2020-05-22 4:55 p.m.

I'm sure you've all heard this but just in case you haven't

.... and I'm told it's true.

So, during a particularly "robust" orchestral rehearsal a 3rd desk viola player turned to the 1st trombonist and complained about the volume.

Without any hesitation the trombonist said "well, if you'd practised more you'd be sitting in the 1st desk, not the 3rd, so don't blame me!"

I do hope it's true, and I wish I'd have thought of that when we did Henry Wood's Fantasia on British Sea Songs where the last 4 bars are fff with a crescendo, and I got a complaint...

whitbey · by **whitbey** » 2020-05-23 9:05 a.m.

When I was young I told my Grandma that when I grow up I wanted to play trombone. She told me I couldn’t do both.

samopn · by **samopn** » 2020-05-23 9:08 a.m.

... and when I was young my Mum said "Oh for goodness sake, why don't you grow up, stupid"... so I did.

... and I went to the barbers and said "My hair needs cutting badly" so he did...

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2020-06-28 9:36 p.m.

<ATTACHMENT filename="Riker.jpg" index="0">~~[attachment=0]~~Riker.jpg</ATTACHMENT>

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2020-08-09 11:22 a.m.

Gary · by **Gary** » 2020-08-09 2:37 p.m.

My band and I were rolling down an inter-state when two rear tires blew. Dangerous. The driver told us to get off the bus immediately. As I was exiting there was a real trickster standing at the front, looking at us and singing. "You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel".

AndrewMeronek · by **AndrewMeronek** » 2020-08-28 10:30 p.m.

I never get any respect, any at all. My cat is a lawyer. Whenever I leave her food dish empty, she summons my contract of indenture.

Kingfan · by **Kingfan** » 2021-01-01 4:42 p.m.

My neighbor was pounding on on my front door at 3 am. How rude! Lucky for me I was still up practicing Wagner excerpts on my trombone...

ldmitruk · by **ldmitruk** » 2021-02-08 5:31 p.m.

What's the difference between a sax solo and an Uzi?

An Uzi only repeats 30 times,

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Jokes and one liners from the back row